Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
