Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
