woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
