My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
