Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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