And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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