mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
