I bet he comes in French.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
