My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
