Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
