so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
