I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
