My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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