look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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