Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
