I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
