my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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