so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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