Screwed.edu
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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