I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
