i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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