Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You pole danced in your parka.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
