was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
40s are totally the cure
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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