We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
