I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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