Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
