So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
