There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
