I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Randomize
