I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
