nut hugger
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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