I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
