I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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