mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
