why didn't you poke me back
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
