My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
