My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
