I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
