Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
