good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
