9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
