guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
