also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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