I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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