Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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