the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I understand Curling. That high.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.