I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck