You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
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No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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