he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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