I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
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you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize