I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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