The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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