I didn't shave. On purpose
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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