she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do vagina's smell?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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