Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
