Your dad touched me again.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
