I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
