he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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