I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
