so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
