3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
