I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
